


thinking about others

by fromthefarshore



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-17 08:49:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1381366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromthefarshore/pseuds/fromthefarshore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We should care less about others," Levi muttered, swallowing his emotions, closing his eyes, but the feeling of someone drilling a hole in his skull didn't leave him as Eren refused to look away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	thinking about others

Eren's hand felt warm and he clutched his entwined fingers to make sure it wasn't a dream. A bit smaller hand tightened the grip, then loosened it again, and for a moment Eren thought it would let go of him. But the hand stayed where it was, fingers between fingers, every now and then tips of them brushing the back of the palm so slightly and gently that you could mistake it for grass strands.

"Did you drag me here just for this?" Levi raised his hand, bringing Eren's together, and looked at them for a few seconds. Eren turned his head to the side, trying to see Levi's face in the dark.

"It's not _just_ for this," he sighed, rolling on his side and hovering over Levi. The distance between their faces was so small that Eren could almost touch Levi's nose. He locked his eyes with Levi's and after all the time spent together he could easily tell that their thoughts were the same. He could kiss him right here and now, and no one would see them, no one would know and later pat their shoulders saying how lucky they were to find at least a bit of happiness in such a cruel world. It would be just a short kiss between them, only touching lips for a bare second, and Eren was staring at Levi's eyes, hoping that they would soothe him and Levi would close the distance between their lips, whispering afterwards that there was nothing wrong and there was no need to feel bad about it, after all people died every day and mourning over them for long wouldn't change a thing. But the eyes in front of Eren reflected his own feelings and thoughts, guilt was all over both of their faces and neither of them could get rid of it.

"We should care less about others," Levi muttered, swallowing his emotions, closing his eyes, but the feeling of someone drilling a hole in his skull didn't leave him as Eren refused to look away. Levi snarled silently, moving his arm arout Eren's waist and pulling him closer, tilting his head just enough for Eren to bury his face in Levi's neck.

"Why do you always act as if it all is a burden to you?" Eren mumbled without rising intonation, making it sound more like a fact, not a question. Levi was silent for what seemed like eternity, then took a deep breath as much as Eren's body on him allowed it and whispered while exhaling, "Because I don't know how I'm supposed to act." He sounded tired and so vulnerable that Eren couldn't stop the lump that was beginning to form in his throat.

"Everything around _is_ a burden and my mind fails to understand that it can be different," Levi brought his hand to Eren's hair, moving it in gentle, pleasant motions as if trying to calm Eren down, but Eren thought Levi was doing it to calm himself. "Happiness isn't a permanent thing, Eren. Sooner or later something bad will happen and all good things will be crushed."

"It wasn't your fault," Eren said silently, letting his lips linger on Levi's skin. He felt how Levi tensed and he could picture how he drew his eyebrows in confusion, parting his lips to ask Eren what was he talking about, even though he knew what exactly that meant."Don't blame yourself over their deaths," Eren lifted his head to look at Levi. It already was a week after unfortunate events in the woods, but everyone was still grieving. "You have to move on."

Levi thought for a moment and then let out a short laugh.

"So that's what it all was about," he sighed, gently pushing Eren away and sitting up, "To talk about _this_. I'm over it," he took a deep breath, "Mourning over them for long wouldn't change a thing."

"But you feel guilty."

"So do you," Levi casted a glance at Eren, then laid on the grass again. Eren didn't reply to that, not eager to continue on this topic. He tried to tell himself that it was just a matter of time and eventually everything was going to be fine, but he wasn't sure if he believed his own words. He sighed under his nose, opening his eyes wide and looking at the sky, looking for some kind of escape.

"Why do people compare eyes to the stars?" Eren turned his head and Levi did the same, facing him.

"Beats me. Maybe they want to say that they're bright and beautiful," Levi furrowed his eyebrows at his own words.

"Would you like me to tell you your eyes are like stars?" Eren giggled silently, trying to get rid of all thoughts that included other people,watching how Levi rolled his eyes.

"No way. That's stupid," Levi snorted, turning his eyes away, "Tell it to that blond friend of yours, he seems to like such stuff."

Eren fell silent again at the mention of Armin and neither of them said a word for a good while. From time to time Eren would squeeze Levi's hand a bit harder and Levi would do the same in return as if a sign that he was still there, right next to him.

"We're missing dinner," Eren broke the silence and his voice cracked a bit.

"Is food the only thing you think about while being with me?" Levi sighed, hitting Eren in the ribs with his elbow.

"Not at all," he whined silently, pretending to be in pain, but it didn't work well on Levi, thus he gave up immediately. "Look there," he lifted his arm, pointing to the sky, "Those stars look like a scoop or something."

"As you say," Levi mumbled, not even bothering to follow where Eren's finger was pointing. "But you still think about food. Are you hungry again?" Levi sighed and Eren could bet everything he had that this sigh was followed by expression of some kind of contempt. "Want to go back?"

"No, and no," Eren shook his head, closing his eyes, "Can we stay here all night?" Eren was sure that Levi heard it, but he didn't say anything as the man besides him didn't react at all. He really wanted to stay outside with Levi, even though it meant only holding his hand. Eren frowned slightly. It wasn't _only_ , he repeated to himself again. He was about to clutch his fingers harder in attempt to feel the warm touch when Levi pulled his hand away, sighing.

"Come here," he extended his arm, reaching for Eren's shoulder and bringing him closer. Levi embraced him tight, putting his chin on Eren's head, "Someone might notice we're out and come searching," he muttered, a warm breath calming Eren. He clutched Levi's shirt on both sides as wrapping his arms around was too uncomfortable. Levi let out a silent choked chuckle, letting his head fall back on the soft grass.

"Isn't it weird how kissing seems inappropriate but hugging doesn't?" Eren tilted his head to see Levi's eyes, but they were closed.

"Hugging also feels inappropriate but not to such extent. It's kind of on the line which is drawn to separate things you can do and things you can't. Anyway, as I said, we shouldn't give many thoughts about what others say," he closed his mouth, then opened it a few times without saying anything as if not sure what to say before continuing, "In reality no one gives a damn about you."

Eren laughed, "Took you a while to come up with this."

"I had to paraphrase it a couple of times in my head in order for you to understand," Levi teased, a little smile appearing on his face.

"Very funny." Eren said in the most sarcastic way he could and Levi messed up his hair, his fingers staying tangled between ruffled strands.

"I know."

Eren hid his smile as he snuggled against Levi's chest, breathing in pleasant smell. They were laying still for hours, or maybe for minutes and Eren just lost the trace of time, and he wanted to ask Levi to not let him fall asleep, but Levi's steady heartbeat was gradually lulling him to slumber and it felt too wrong to start talking now. He might have muttered something inaudibly as Levi moved a bit and it seemed that he was whispering something but all Eren could hear was silent humming drifting away.

-

"About stars," Levi's lips quirked into a hardly recognizable smile as Eren stirred slightly before opening his eyes.

"What about them?" Eren muttered, his face turning into a weird expression as he tried to suppress a yawn. He tilted his head and blinked the sleepy tears away, wondering if Levi had been thinking all the time while he was asleep. His expression somehow differed from earlier, but Eren couldn't understand what was the reason behind it yet, so he kept looking at him, and waiting.

"I think I may have figured it out. Why they say eyes are like them." Levi finally replied, and he seemed satisfied with himself, looking at Eren as if it he should know the answer too. Eren furrowed his eyebrows, thinking hardly, but it turned to be utterly useless as he couldn't come up with anything that seemed to be the correct answer.

"So?" Eren asked moments later, his voice trembling slightly. Levi's smile widened just a bit as if he was anticipating it. He stood up, pulling Eren after himself, and wounded his arms around Eren as he gently kissed him on the lips.

"Answers don't come to you that easily," he whispered hurriedly as if he was repeating this phrase in his head for a while and was afraid he could forget it any moment. "Wait, then think a bit more and you'll understand."

"You're an asshole, you know that?" Eren let out a laugh, trying to push Levi away but his arms were locked hardly behind Eren's back.

"You're just jealous," Levi rolled his eyes and Eren smiled widely, noticing how Levi shut his lips tight - the way he did when he was waiting for something to be confirmed, not yet sure if he was right. And then it hit him that maybe there was no correct answer or maybe he didn't need one.

"I think you're only showing off," he sputtered, looking how Levi's eyebrow shot up and he opened his mouth ever so slightly to protest, but Eren didn't let him answer, hushing him with a kiss. He was sure that Levi didn't know the answer himself and only said otherwise, but there was no point in arguing over this. He felt how soft lips brushed against his own and it didn't feel like Levi was being forced to kiss back. It felt _natural_ , without any thoughts concerning others, and it felt good, it felt so incredibly nice that Eren wanted to savour this feeling and never forget it. But a few seconds didn't last long enough, and now Levi was standing in front of Eren with his arms crossed over his chest, expecting something from him. Eren looked at his eyes, and the look in them was different again. It seemed as if Levi wasn't burdened by any problems and actually enjoyed the moment. Eren didn't know that, but his expression must have also changed, because Levi's lips turned into a little pleased smile just before he walked away.

"You still don't know about the stars," Eren said with a chuckle, going after Levi.

"I'm surprised you figured out that much," Levi stopped for a second to look over his shoulder, and Eren was already here, his eyes shining.

"Oh, I figured out a bit more than that," he smiled, satisfied with himself, leaning forward for another touch he desired so much.

Because maybe Levi was right; 

maybe they didn't have to think about others.


End file.
